2023 preseason college football bottom 10

Inspirational considered the week:

I ponder once I wander residence If I will be match to drink alone.
Sleep with my recollections, footage, apologies.
For each minute yesterday, remorse jogs my memory anyway.
If I bear in mind something, I am going to make errors once more.
Final night time on the Mass Pike, thought I used to be dropping you.

“Mass Pike,” The Get Up Children

Right here at Backside 10 Headquarters, positioned in the back of the very lengthy line of coaches impatiently ready to share inside data with Pete Thamel, we do not work year-round — it simply feels that approach. We do, the truth is, take offseason journeys with our households.

As an example, simply final month I took the McGees to Boston, the place we did all of the touristy stuff, together with an historic boat tour of Boston Harbor. I used to be standing on the highest deck of the ship once I was approached by a really massive human in a Minuteman costume. I am assuming he was on a break from his period-accurate tour-guiding, as a result of as he sidled as much as me port aspect, he was burning a Marlboro Purple.

“Hey, aren’t you the effing Backside 10 man?”

“Sure, I’m.”

“Right here with ya household, are you?”

“Sure, I’m.”

“You see that ship over there?”

“Sure, I do.”

“That is the place the Boston Tea Get together occurred. These guys threw 340 chests of British East India Firm tea overboard into that water. 92,000 kilos. That is 46 tons of tea. That is a helluva lot of tea.”

“Sure, it’s.”

“If somebody does one thing silly to make a bunch of different someones mad, these offended folks, they may do something to get their message despatched.”

“Sure, they may.”

“Like, say, overtaxing tea. Or, I dunno, placing my effing alma mater again on the prime of the effing preseason Backside 10 after additionally they had my effing alma mater on the prime of the effing Backside 10 just about all final effing season, too. Throwing you into the harbor can be so much simpler for one Minuteman as massive as me.”

“Sure, it might.”

“Simply one thing to consider earlier than we play New Mexico State on Saturday. Have a pleasant effing day.”

With apologies to Sam Adams, John Hancock, Rene Ingoglia and Steve Harvey, this is the 2023 Preseason Backside 10.

1. UMess

Sorry, Minuteman Tour Information Man, however hey, I am a superb swimmer. And sure, UMass opens the season with the Pillow Combat of the Week of the Yr: Episode I with a visit to pure regional rival New Mexico State.

2. #Kentergy

The Golden Flashes have a brand new coach in Kenni Burns, who has been preaching the mantra of “Kent Grit.” I’ve eaten quite a lot of grits in my Carolina-raised life, however by no means in Ohio. Additionally, after Kent State is completed with its first two video games — journeys to UCF and Arkansas, the place the Flashes are estimated by ESPN’s mystical and magical FPI to have a 6% probability of successful every — we must always name Ken Burns, the documentarian, and have him do a movie about Kenni Burns. I can already hear Peter Coyote’s voice set to piano music: “They known as it ‘Kent Grit’…”

3. ULM (pronounced “uhlm”)

The excellent news? Terry Bowden is again for his third season, seeking to recover from the hump after back-to-back 4-8 campaigns. The unhealthy information? He is just about the one one that stayed. The Warhawks misplaced extra gamers to the switch portal than I’ve misplaced socks to the laundromat dryer.

4. North by Northworstern

When the Wildcats completed final season 1-11 and wound up No. 4 within the remaining 2022 Backside 10, nobody thought the scenario in Evanston might get any worse. Then the vaunted Northwestern pupil newspaper mentioned, “Maintain my Helles Lager from Double Clutch Brewing Firm.”

5. Rand-McNally

Historically, the Coveted Fifth spot goes to a company that has loved nice success and esteem earned over many years of excellence, however has all of a sudden and inexplicably suffered an unexpected collection of losses. After this newest spherical of convention realignment, nobody appears extra ineffective and out of contact than mapmakers. 

6. Sam Houston, we have now an issue

After many years of success on the decrease ranges of faculty soccer, the Bearkats have moved as much as FBS soccer as members of the new-look Convention USA. A big chunk of this roster was additionally on the sector when SH gained the FCS spring season natty in 2021. But when they attempt to carry that up this September whereas taking part in BYU, Air Pressure or Houston, their new FCS foes will politely inform SH to “Shhhhh.”

7. Jacksonville State Different Gamecocks

The Jacksonville that is not in Florida additionally strikes as much as FCS by way of C-USA this season. The Gamecocks go to Sam Houston on Sept. 28 in a prime-time Pillow Combat candidate recreation. In addition they have a defensive finish named J-Rock, quarterback Zion Webb is taking part in his seventh yr of faculty soccer and their coach is Wealthy Rodriguez. If Ken Burns makes that film about Kent State, then Jax State deserves Quentin Tarantino.

8. Charlotte 3-and-9’ers

Talking of head coaches, Charlotte’s new boss is Biff Poggi, who smokes cigars, wears cutoff T-shirts like he is strolling his canine on Myrtle Seashore, has a “Onerous Knocks”-style actuality present coming to ESPN+ and is self-made wealthy by way of success as a hedge fund investor, even donating $500,000 of his wage again into this system. He isn’t Coach Prime Time. He is Coach Large Time.

9. Whew Mexico No-Bos

Whereas our world focuses on the Week 0 showdown between UMass and Whew Mexico State, do not sleep on Weeks 3 and 4 when the No-Bos host State, then journey to Amherst seven days later. One month after that, they go back-to-back with 2022 Backside 10 members No-vada and Huh-why-yuh. That is some severe power of schedule. As in SOS — the one ships ship up after they’ve run out of gasoline in the course of the ocean. You recognize, like in New Mexico.

10. FI(not A)U

Mike McIntyre’s first head teaching job was at San Jose State. Then he moved 1,300 miles east to be head coach at Colorado. Then he moved 2,100 miles east to Florida Worldwide. By our calculations, his subsequent job must be at Université Cheikh Anta Diop in Dakar, 4,000 miles east of Miami.

Ready checklist: Western Not Japanese Michigan, Akronmonious, Boiling Inexperienced, No-vada, Huh-why-yuh, Texas State Armadillos, Baller State, US(not C)F, Arkansas State Fightin’ Butches

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